Let’s talk about Toxic Femininity

Toxic Femininity is a HUGE problem. It’s a problem for men and women. And it’s something I am passionate to help rectify because I have two daughters.

I’ve been dealing with toxic femininity my entire life, and I don’t want them to deal with the same things I did. Before we get into my experiences, though, let’s define toxic femininity. I think toxic femininity is restricting women to certain roles, traits, and characteristics that are considered womanly or girly. This typically looks like submission, gentleness, beauty, poise and servitude. It’s an attempt to keep women quiet while men are aggressive and dominant. Essentially, toxic femininity is expecting women to act “womanly” and belittling, degrading, and ostracizing them when they don’t perform or act in a way that is considered feminine.

What does this look like in real life? It looks like calling little girls on the soccer field out for pushing when their male teammates are equally aggressive. We allow boys to do what it takes to score a goal but we don’t allow girls in the same situation that same opportunity, and demand that politeness take priority over winning.  It looks like a woman boss telling her employee to do a task and then holding that employee accountable to the task only to be called a bully because the employees feelings were hurt.  It also looks like older men demanding that young girls give them their attention while they tell them how pretty they are, or how to be polite and respectful.  All of these are examples of toxic femininity me and my girls have experienced this week.

There is no gender specific definition for sportsmanship, the same rules should apply to boys and girls. Furthermore, women in leadership and positions of power have every right to hold their employees accountable without being called names. And little girls don’t owe anyone their attention if they don’t want to give it.  Expecting anything different is just wrong. And completely unfair to girls everywhere.

To me, the worst type of toxic femininity is the type that women impose on each other. We’re taught that all women can’t be successful. Society wants us to believe that one woman’s success threatens another’s. It’s easier to pit us against each other than simply to support us. Because while we’re focused on dragging other women down, we’re preventing ourselves from achieving our true and full potential. And toxic femininity wins.

The power differential that this creates makes way for so much more than just gender inequality. It creates abusive relationships, eating disorders and body dysmorphia, gender wage gaps, sexism in the workplace, and a lack of confidence that is so deep rooted, some women never recover from it. Those that refuse to accept toxic femininity are labeled difficult.  The truth is, it doesn’t take much to be considered a difficult woman. This is the very definition of toxic femininity. Women who speak up are difficult. Women who are aggressive, stand up for themselves, have strong opinions or any emotion are considered difficult. They’re told to calm down, not to get so emotional, not to “get their panties in a bunch” when men in the exact same situations are applauded for taking charge, speaking up, voicing their opinions and being passionate.  It’s bullshit. And it needs to stop.

Men, please encourage the ladies and girls in their lives to be who they were made to be. Ladies, stop holding your girlfriends, your daughters, your mother, your bosses and co-workers to this ridiculous standard. Your success is not hindered by anyone else’s! There’s plenty of room at the top, and the view is enjoyed more with people to share it with. Keep being difficult! Let’s make toxic femininity a thing of the past!  Would love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment!